The Five Shittiest Movies of 2009

Yo peoples, Ghostdog here. It's the end of the year, and every periodical under the sun is listing their Best Films of '09, so much so that I want to punch "Hurt Locker" in its smug fucking face (y'alls should see it, it's damn good). I'll list a Best Of list soon enough, but until then, I wanted to tell you about the movies to avoid at all costs. Now I'm gonna assume that, like me, you weren't wooed into seeing shit like "G-Force" or "The Jonas Brothers 3D Experience," which is why those kinds of movies don't appear on this list. No, these are the five worst movies that a sane person might actually find themselves watching.

5. THE GOODS: LIVE HARD, SELL HARD

Why you might want to watch it: It's from the co-creator of "Chappelle's Show" (albeit the non-Chappelle "Chappelle's Show" co-creator), and it features talented-but-annoyingly-everpresent "Office" castmembers Craig Robinson and Ed Helms. Also Ving Rhames. And a sane person might even admire the transformation of Jeremy Piven's career, from a balding supporting player to perfectly-coiffed leading douche.

Why it's shit: As number five in the bottom five, "The Goods" isn't quite as bad as the other movies on this list. There's even a [Ving Rhames related] chuckle or two in there. But it's also the movie you find yourself watching at the frat house on a Tuesday night, sipping on room-temp Natty Ice, and the guy next to you's way too drunk and way too into it, and you can't stop thinking about the C- you got on that physics exam. I mean, you pulled an all-nighter studying that shit. Un-fucking-believable.

4. GIGANTIC

Why you might want to watch it: It's got a good cast (including Zach Galifianakis), it went to Sundance, and you heard Zooey Deschanel flashes a titty in it. Also, the title reminds you of that Pixies song about a black dude's dong.

Why it's shit: Take all of the stigma that's attached to the word "quirky" and cram it into one pretentious-ass movie. That wouldn't even be half bad, but the quirks in "Gigantic" don't make a shit ton of sense. In fact, a lot of the movie doesn't make sense, and not in an awesome David Lynch sort of way, but in a lazy, first-draft of the screenplay kind of way. And the titties are poorly lit; there's probably a better way of seeing those things.

3. FUNNY PEOPLE

Why you might want to watch it: Judd Apatow's cool, right? And this one's got Jason Schwartzman and the RZA. And even though Adam Sandler sucks ass, serious Adam Sandler can be pretty good ("Punch Drunk Love"), right?

Why it's shit: "Funny People" is two-and-a-half hours long. Fucking two-and-a-half hours. This ain't fucking "Fanny and Alexander," this is a Seth Rogen movie. Take away one hour and one storyline, and you've got a halfway decent movie that serves the same purpose. And except for Jason Schwartzman, there ain't a hell of a lot of funny people in this movie. Oh, there's enough celebrity cameos to build a fucking church, but none of the funny people that Apatow made famous (like Paul Rudd, Steve Carell, Jason Segel and Martin Starr). There's Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill, but they're not all that great. And yeah, the RZA's there, for about five minutes, as Seth Rogen's work buddy. I don't know a hell of a lot, but I'm pretty sure that's fucking with the Wu-Tang right there.

2. G.I.JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA

Why you might want to watch it: You're a child of the eighties and you have a low opinion of yourself. You're also pretty baked.

Why it's shit: It's no surprise that a movie called "G.I. JOE: The Rise of Cobra" would turn out to be sofa-king-we-todd-it. That's just common sense. And I love a good dumb-as-fuck action movie (I recommend "Shoot 'Em Up" or the "Crank" saga), but there are limits. When Marlon Wayans is the best actor in your movie, there's a fucking problem. The worst part is that it's an origin story, and, like "Batman Begins" (or the "Super Mario Bros" movie), the script tries to justify all of the ridiculous shit that comes with the franchise and put it in a real-world context. Unfortunately, the G.I.JOE franchise is pretty much what a ten year-old boy would see in his head if you pumped him full of speedballs, so the whole "justification" thing gets a little bit tedious. Just run with it, guys, there's no way around this thing being stupid.

1. EXTRACT

Why you might want to watch it: Mike Judge is funny. He's proved it on countless occasions. Even "Idiocracy," which was blasted by the critics, is fucking hysterical. So when he writes and a directs a new movie, especially one with Jason Bateman, you expect it to be pretty good.

Why it's shit: This was the one movie that I truly felt was a waste of time. While there's a certain audacity to how bad "Funny People" or "G.I.JOE" is, there is absolutely nothing memorable or memorably offensive about "Extract." It's like watching the pilot to a bad sitcom (with a shitty title). Just a whole lotta nothing. And that's why it's the worst thing to come out of 2009.